We women have a lot of illogical things to feel guilty about and when we become mothers, it transforms into this growing snowball that has to stop for it only hurts us and, in my opinion, it is unfair.
According to Wikipedia, guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes – accurately or not – that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated a universal moral standard and bear significant responsibility for that violation.
When I got pregnant with my first child, I was given a very good book by my mother in law that helped me understand what I was going to be expecting from a baby and what to do with the different types of baby classifications. What I didn´t know at the time was that I was dealing with a mother in law that has all of the characteristics of a narcissist. It all makes sense now but 11 years ago I only felt like nothing I did was ever good enough.
There was never an acknowledgement on her side or anything like that. There where only emotions like confusion, anger, resentment, loneliness and guilt.
So, when a person believes or realizes – accurately or not (this is so important to remember – that they have done something bad in other words, they feel guilty.
Nowadays there are so many unfair blueprints about what a mother is or how they should behave…It is like a sadistic fake fairy-tale like the ones we see in the pictures of the royals, all perfectly dressed and always smiling.
Being a mother is messy, we get tired, they almost never get tired. There are tears (on both sides), screaming, fortunately lots of laughter too, but there is also a lot of pressure from society and ourselves to fulfill those fake ideas of what a mother is or isn´t.
After being under the pressure of a narcissist for 6 years, I grabbed all my strength and pushed really hard so that me and my family could move from Mexico to Australia. We have been here for 5 years and we have never been so happy as a family and I´m truly speaking for all of us.
We literally removed the “pressure” element. In my case it was my inlaw, for you it might be another mother, friends, your own mother… Basically society, and we have to deal with it every day. Remember that we are also part of that society, so we can stop participating in that drama.
I began to work here and there it was, women feeling guilty because they were working (instead of being with their kids) and women feeling guilty when they were with their kids (instead of being at work).
I guess I felt enough guilt back in Mexico so once I got here that emotion visits me only from time to time.
The thing with guilt is that we can never reason with it, so as long as we buy into the idea that women should be full time mums but also work and have a career, we will have guilt there.
If we believe that if we missed our kids first laughter, we are bad mums, guilt will be there.
If we believe that by growing in our careers, we will be abandoning our kids, guilt will be there… In this particular case, we actually set a great example for our girls to aim high and our boys to accept that there is balance in the household activities.
Guilt is only in our minds, I treat this emotion in all of my clients, there are even different types of guilt, it´s amazing!
So, what I recommend, are 3 things:
- Seek help, we all need therapy it is maintenance for our mind. We humans are very complex beings so our mind needs to be taken care of.
- Focus on all the great things that you actually do as a mother and write them down at the end of the day.
- Choose a flexible job so you can spend more time with your kids and if that is out of the option, use the time you have wisely and search for other options that are proven to help get a better income without using too much of your time. Click here to watch a business-lifestyle-workshop that if you allow it , it will blow your mind and introduce you to a life changing reality.
So, how do you personally manage guilt?
As always, I send love;